OCD, Mindfulness and Me

by Emily


The relationship started when I was 14. It was powerful, all-consuming and addictive and I became obsessed. I had been seduced by OCD.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder affects approximately 1.2% of the population. It is better known for its quirky image of neuroticism and excessive hand-washing, but it is so much more than that.

OCD is characterised by intrusive thoughts that logically make no sense to the sufferer or are known to be irrational but the fear associated with them drives the need to behave compulsively.

Throughout my early teenage years, my thoughts appeared vivid, true and overwhelming. Like a manipulative boyfriend, my mind convinced me that it was doing it all for my own good. “Just do what I ask of you and all will be well”. I acquiesced to every demand and strived to do it better and better. Check all my living memories? Tick. Do it again for hours on end but this time better? Tick. You see, not all compulsions are visible. They don’t call it “the secret disease” for no reason.

I felt married to my thoughts. The more I tried to escape the workings of my mind, the further I fell. I thought I could outwit it. I suppressed, I rationalised, I reasoned, I begged and I reassured. The thoughts just bounced back harder, louder and in glorious technicolour. By this time the relationship was toxic. What if I was evil? A bad person? I would even ask myself, “What if I’m a paedophile?”, a very common intrusive thought in OCD.

A lot of the time, it wasn’t even a question of “what if?” It was a conviction that I probably was all of these things. I felt terrified most of the time. I was so in thrall to my thoughts that it never even occurred to me that they might not be true. If I thought them, they must be correct. They felt true so I must need to worry about them, and so on.

I was one exhausted 14-year-old. I ran the gauntlet of my thoughts so often and so frequently that I began to vomit, in the same way that a runner might throw up after running a race. I felt like I was running a marathon every day, except I definitely wasn’t winning. I couldn’t understand why I could never out-run them, however fast I ran. Everywhere I went, they hunted me down, jumped on my back and insisted I carry them.

After several years of this (missed school classes, a lot of lost weight and no kissing of boys – they might contaminate me obviously) my ever-present companion OCD decided to leave me alone for a while. We hooked up every now and again over the years but for the most part I managed to ignore it. I went to university, got a job and really thought that I had finally out-run it.

Fast forward to my late twenties and something odd was happening. My old flame OCD had come back to town and I couldn’t seem to turn it away. I was obsessed again. New thoughts, old thoughts, disgusting thoughts. Shocking visual images that made my skin crawl. I fell straight back into its arms. I was working by now and getting up to go to work became a struggle. I felt so fatigued (probably all those hours spent chasing my thoughts around at night) that through the day I felt as if I was just hauling myself about. I couldn’t focus at work because my mind was constantly being assaulted by random nightmarish scenarios. I frequently felt like I might vomit into my boss’s lap and I spent my lunch breaks walking (read pacing). I was besieged by fears: I would lose my job, my friends, my family…my future would be cancelled.

I started searching frantically for an answer to my bone- crushing anxiety. I searched high and low and tried many things (top tip: putting an elastic band on your wrist and pinging it hard every time you have an intrusive thought doesn’t work).

I also found out that there are lots of charlatans out there looking to make a pretty penny from one person’s misery (another top tip: if they ask you to pay £500 before they’ll tell you their magical cure, there probably is no cure).

However, through all my research one word kept popping up again and again. Mindfulness.

I had flirted with meditation back when I was at university. Someone I was dating had dragged me along to a session and I’d gone, mainly because I thought he was hot, but not because I was particularly interested on focusing on my breath. The more I thought about it, the more I remembered occasions, during the anxiety-inducing years, where I had sometimes been drawn to the breath when feeling nauseous and the need to vomit had passed. It started to occur to me that perhaps there was something in it.

I had purchased Jon Kabat Zinn’s CD of guided meditations several years before and finally decided to actually listen to it. During my initial meditations, the CD served mainly as a way of sending me to sleep. Then it became one of the highlights of my entire day. I felt immense relief to be able to sit with my thoughts for a time rather than constantly fight to keep them at arm’s length. I noticed a relief of my physical symptoms. My clenched jaw started to relax. I began to sleep longer and more peacefully. I wasn’t shaking every morning on waking.

Like many people, I approached mindfulness with a specific goal in mind: I simply wanted to get better fast (who doesn’t?). Over time, as I noticed an improvement in my symptoms, I became less and less goal-oriented and it gradually stopped being the main aim. Instead I became curious: about my mind, about my thoughts, about the feelings that arose, about my body, about the natural interaction between thoughts, feelings and the body. Practicing mindfulness allowed me to see all of this from an entirely new perspective. Like when you switch the light on in the middle of the night and all of a sudden the shadows suddenly seem so much smaller.

I’d spent years fighting with my anxieties or pushing them away, and back they would come with a vengeance. Only by turning towards them mindfully and finding space to breathe around them did I begin to find the peace I had longed for.

I did CBT for my OCD and then embarked on an Mindfulness Based Cogniitive Therapy Course (MBCT) which provided the perfect consolidation for everything that I had already learnt. The biggest lesson of all that I learnt from it? That my thoughts aren’t facts. Who knew?! Certainly not the 14-year-old me.

I have now dumped OCD once and for all. It led me astray for quite some time, but mindfulness has taught me that its words were lies. Just random neural impulses that I became too attached to. I still practice mindfulness every day and, like everyone else, I still experience intrusive thoughts. The precious lesson I have learned is that those thoughts only have power over us if we grant them that power.


 

If you would like to know more about the disorder that the WHO ranks in the top 10 most debilitating illnesses then please visit the following websites:

http://www.ocduk.org/ocd

http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/

You can also view my blog where I post about my experiences with OCD here:
https://dreamstobeanxietyfree.wordpress.com/

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Comments

  1. Fabulous post Emily, thank for your honesty. Indeed, who knew that ‘thought were not facts’;not me for sure. I have posted your blog to our Facebook page as I want it to be as widely read as possible.

  2. Excellent post Emily! Congratulations on it and on your journey of recovery. I’m a huge fan of MD Jeffrey Schwartz work and book You Are Not Your Brain. As he says on his other ground-breaking book Brain Lock, lots of people who had experienced OCD and learned how to deal with it using mindfulness also started to have some spiritual awakening (don’t like too much this expression) and became even happier than before!

    Even after years of practice I still have intrusive thoughts but they are every year, every month, 1% easier to deal with. The more personal, the more universal. On the long run, what stays is peace, happiness and the silence of our natural minds.

  3. Hi both,

    Thank you so much for leaving comments, I’ve only just seen them! It’s lovely to know that the article resonated with people. I wish you all the best with your recoveries.
    Emily

  4. Hi Emily,
    I’m practising mindfulness to overcome pure o, how long did you meditate before you got genuine relief from your ocd?

  5. Hello emily, plz guide me too!!I am in desperate need of some help.

  6. Hi Marie and Nisha,

    I am so sorry I’ve only just seen these comments. Please come over to my blog https://dreamstobeanxietyfree.wordpress.com where I will get any comments you leave or alternatively connect with me on twitter @hopefulem
    I practiced mindfulness for a long time before I got any relief from the OCD although the relief from some of the physical symptoms of anxiety was more immediate. I must emphasise that I used mindfulness in conjunction with CBT/ERP and for me this was the best way.
    I hope to connect with you both soon.
    Emily x

    • Emily, did you take any medication? I am looking for a story where someone didn’t take any medication and was able to find the peace that you have. I have tried medication and it made me worst so I’m just looking for inspiration from people who didn’t take medication and was successful in overcoming their ocd. I hope that would be you!

    • Hi Emily,

      Are you happy? I read this article many times to give myself inspiration. I hope you are still happy and well.

  7. thank you for sharing your experience

  8. John Bruzi says

    A very encouraging story. I suffer from pure-O and although I no longer engage in obsessive questioning anymore (like what if I’m this and that and why am I getting these feelings), I still suffer immensely from the bodily sensations that arise when I spike. It’s more like a phobia now.

    I’ve been meditating twice a day for a week now, and so far I’ve only seen the “side effects” of meditation, like nightmares and old memories/habits coming back every now and then. But I guess this is proof that it’s working.

    Looks like I’ll eventually join up with a Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy Course myself.

  9. I am an indian 67 years old siufferimg from ocd thoughts for,the past 38 years. I have been cought in the cluthes of this crucifying thoughts, I am totally help less. I also learned mindful mditation.
    Please answer the following questions, sir:
    1) I felt lot of comfort in the begining days but as the days pass by, the thoughs started blasting me as usual
    Is it obvious?
    2) How long I should meditate in a day( I mean the duration of meditation) and how frequently to get the best results. Please do help me sir

    S N prasad

    • You should come along to our forum and ask your questions. Experienced practitioners there will help you (or try to).

  10. Surender says

    Hi This post is just fabulous!

    Let me share some facts about my obsessive thinking,

    From the past one week some intrusive thoughts have been drilling my mind like hell. I could not concentrate on my studies, i am preparing for CA Final exams which are to be held in November 2016. My obsessive thoughts are nothing to do with studies, “they are very particular about my sister her family and my family, i always get passing thoughts like some sexual attacks are continuously happening on them” it’s not that i don’t love them, i love them more than myself especially my sister and her daughters. I don’t know why, but frankly telling i love them so much i care for them.
    I was perfectly alright till last week, my preparation was just superb, but it’s gone now, i am totally hopeless. I can’t share this issue any one, especially my father he will just scream at me.
    The only reason i shifted here is my preparation for November exams. I don’t wanna lose them at any cost.
    Please advice me as to how i should proceed. I can’t just digest this, i am struggling like anything.
    I am 22 Male

  11. Thank you so much for your fantastic, heart warming article. x

  12. I’m very happy to discover this site. I want to to thank you for your time for this wonderful read!!
    I definitely really liked every bit of it and i also have you
    saved to fav to see new things on your blog.

  13. dear emily please advise me how to practice mindfullness

  14. Hello!Quick question that’s completely off topic. Do you know how too make your site mobile friendly?
    My web site looks weird when viewing from my iphone.
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  15. Thank you so much Emilly for sharing your experience with ocd. Reading this really helped and encouraged me, as I’m also working on curing my ocd and using mindfulness in the process.
    All the best,
    George