Worsening anxiety and depression

[wisehedgecrone]

I am beginning again with mindfulness.
I suffer from anxiety and depression which is getting worse despite psychotherapy, CBT etc. I took a Mindfulness course a few years back and started to practice but it petered out after a few months. Since then I have meditated sporadically, sometimes several times in a month but I can't say I feel much better - or any better. Far from it. Despite this I am now attending a course (6 weeks only) on Mindfulness and Stress. I am losing hope in ever feeling any better, but I am giving it my best shot and 'just doing it' as asked. But when I try to meditate my mind is everywhere; I don't feel I am doing it right, or I'd have noticed benefits by now, surely? My mind goes off on its usual worry path, feeling anxious, sick, low, guilty, full of shame and failure. Is it worth continuing? Will I ever feel any better? I cannot shake the desperate wish to NOT feel anxiety and NOT feel unhappy. I compare myself constantly to others - unfavourably - and feel so envious that they can feel content while I cannot. I am also unable to feel happy for others' good fortune or happiness, which makes me very distressed and guilty. I feel only half human as a result. I have no right to feel the way I do. My life isn't hard - it used to be, but not any more. My sick mind makes it so, and I am wasting my life doing it.
So....is there any hope, any comfort?

[One Aware]

Hi wisehedgecrone:

Sorry to hear that you are not feeling well at this time. I too have suffered from anxiety and depression and I found that meds along with some talk therapy and mindfulness meditation have helped me a lot. Are you taking meds for your anxiety and depression? They can be of great help to you and it is perfectly fine to take the meds while doing your mindful meditation practice.

I attended a 10 week mindfulness based CBT program at my local hospital based on the research of Jon Kabat-Zinn. As you may be aware, Jon Kabat-Zinn is a pioneer in this approach and has had impressive documented successes helping people with anxiety, depression and other issues. His program is highly regarded by the medical community. The success of practicing mindfulness varies by individual. Some see benefits sooner, some later. That is why it is important to manage your anxiety and depression symptoms with meds as well to relieve the suffering. On average he has found that meditating a half hour every day for about 6-8 weeks can have a noticeable positive effect on those suffering. Continue with this regime after 6-8 weeks and he has found that most of his patients were free of anxiety and depression recurrence for 5 years and more. So as you can see, those of us who suffer must continue to meditate and live our lives mindfully if we are to be relieved from suffering. It is not an overnight thing and that is why meds are still very important in treatment - at least at the beginning.

You may wish to do a little internet research on Jon Kabat-Zinn to learn more. Please stay in touch with your doctor while you are suffering and please, if you are not taking meds, talk to your doctor about it. It can really help.

I hope this helps you and I wish you well.

Take care.

[Gareth]

Welcome Wisehedgecrone,

Thank you for your straightforward and honest post. I'm not a mindfulness teacher, just someone that has been practicing for a couple of years with massive benefits. I am going to put your post out on Twitter to see if we can get you some more help. I also know a couple of people with more experience than me. I'll get in touch with them; im sure they'll have something to offer.

The key word that I got from your post was sporadically. It was perhaps a year or more before I began to get big benefits from mindfulness practice. I think this is because in the beginning my practice was short and sporadic. As I began to lengthen my practice and become more consistent with it, there was a real difference. About nine months ago, I made it a daily, half-hour practice, and the benefits deepened even further. That said, OneAware makes an excellent point in that the benefits of mindfulness practice differ for each individual person, particularly in the amount of time before they take root. I also note that in your post you say "it should have made a difference by now". With mindfulness we have to try and lose the tendency to stop grasping for something. In fact, mindfulness is quite the opposite in that it is all about non-grasping. The above comments are really not meant to be chiding. These concepts are really difficult for you to get your head round, they were for me anyway.

I guess what I am suggesting here is blind faith. That is difficult for me to advise as non-religious man, but I think that is what is required. I think that you need to let go of trying to get something out of the process and just do it. Meditate every day and see where that takes you, even if it's just for five or ten minutes. What have you got to lose? Don't worry about your mind being here there and everywhere, that's just normal. Keep going and add more time whenever you are ready.

And above all: go easy on yourself.

Gareth

[wisehedgecrone]

Thank you to both for your replies.
Unfortunately my psychiatrist is not intending to see me after my next appointment on Monday. Resources are limited and there are people far sicker than I am. Also I am not on any meds at present. I can't take SSRIs because they interact with the sumatriptan I take when I have a migraine (which is getting more frequent). I did try another, older antidepressant but it was of no help at all.
I have got to the stage where I wake feeling either very anxious or very low - or with a headache. That makes mornings pretty unpleasant. I am not even aware of what the feelings are - mainly anxiety, but I'm not sure what about - everything and anything. I thought that my anxiety and depression would improve with age, and as some of my former major stressors resolved themselves (worries to do with our daughter's health) but the reverse has happened.

You are both right that I should do meditation every day and that it probably varies from person to person how long it takes to have any effect. But I don't know if I am doing it 'right' when I do it - for instance, is it OK to use guided bodyscan meditations, and to vary which one I use? Also, is it OK to vary WHEN I do it? Sometimes I like to do a bodyscan when I am in bed, as it can be calming, but sometimes I do it in the late afternoon. These things do worry me. And if I am sitting listening to a guided Mindfulness of the Breath CD, but my mind is racing elsewhere and it's a struggle to bring it back to the breath, am I really meditating or kidding myself?
Not easy questions to answer but they do worry me. I am attending a Mindfulness and Stress course locally but it's only 6 weeks long and I am not sure it will be enough to help me establish good habits. I am giving it my best shot though!

[larorra]

Hi, i am pretty New to meditating, about 4 months, i find it hard to meditate for longer than 15 minutes apart from body scan which i manage quite well. I dont think theres any wrongs or rights just do whats best for you and do.nt be hard on yourself. Good luck

[mindfulnessforall]

Hello,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a tough time. You're definitely not along here.

Firstly, It's great that you're giving mindfulness another go. It's not easy and can be stressful to take on a course. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. It sound like you're doing your best to work with the anxiety and depression , and that's enough.

It's ok to feel unhappy, sad, anxious,etc. These are all normal human emotions - this doesn't mean we have to like them though of course! You also don't have to try and get rid of them. Your life situation might be great but you don't have to feel guilty for feeling this way - it's also tough when you can't pinpoint the issue.

Regular practice is important when you start out - even if it's just 10 mins a day. Try and give up expectations that you'll feel a certain way - I'm sure your mindfulness teacher has gone through ways of working with difficulty so try and incorporate these into your practice. If it's all too intense then just spend your meditation time focusing on your breath and notice when your mind goes for a wander. Gently bring it back each time. There is no good or bad meditation. If your mind keeps wandering that's fine. Each time you notice it has congratulation yourself for noticing and go back to whatever you're focusing on. Re: body scan - do it whenever you like. It's about finding what works for you.

I've been practicing meditation for many years and still feel sad, anxious and I also have plenty of negative thoughts/ worries but I don't get pulled along by them so much these days. Comparing yourself to others is very normal too - especially with so much social media around these days. Don't beat yourself up for disliking the fact someone is content..we all do it. Again, it's human. Negative thinking and comparing ourselves to others kept us alive many 1000s of years ago. We're no longer being attacked by wild animals in the modern world so these negative thought aren't so helpful : )

I hope this helps!

Andy

[mindfulnessforall]

P.s. You might also want to try Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. It uses element of mindfulness too.

Andy

[One Aware]

Can't really add too much more to what the others have said. All good advice. Just be curious about the physical sensations you feel, your breath, your heartbeat, etc. be curious about the sounds you hear. Explore nature, describe a tree outside your window to the smallest detail. Try some mindful walking outside. Explore all these things in your own time without putting any pressure on yourself. Using guided meditation is really a personal preference but you may want to use them until you are comfortable with daily practice. I have been meditating more than 3 years now and I still use guided meditation - works for me. One thing you can try for the wandering mind is counting your out breaths. Count your out breaths to 10 then start counting from the beginning again. If you lose track of your count, congratulate yourself on being human, and begin again. The counting may help you focus more easily until you become more acquainted with the wandering mind (which is normal by the way). As the others have said, there is no right or wrong with this. Experiment, try new things, explore, and above all, be kind to yourself.


I wish you well and if you find the need, please post. We're all hear to chat, discuss, and lend our support.

[Gareth]

Breath counting is an excellent suggestion from OneAware. This acts like a metronome to the meditation, and it can help keep you anchored to the here and now. I used to do it all the time when I was getting to grips witht the practice.

Gareth

[FeeHutch]

Hi Wisehedgecrone

I think the others have some excellent suggestions. I am still quite new to Mindfulness but I got the best benefit when I was doing daily practice. I have fallen off the wagon in the last few weeks and am getting back on it now. The more I practice the easier it is to stay in the present - at least some of the time. It is also easier not to beat myself up when my mind does keep wandering off or I seem to spend the entire time planning what to do next instead of just being. For me the key thing is being compassionate to myself. We are both trying to do something helpful for ourselves and that has to be a good start at least.

I survived a brain haem last year and still get migraines and headaches amongst other assorted stuff. It is really hard to stay present when you are in pain (both physical and emotional) but I do find sticking with the suffering helps a huge amount eventually. I guess what I am trying to say is you aren't alone and be nice to yourself for trying.

I use all sorts of CDs, phone aps both with and without music or nothing at all to meditate with.